The Funny Farm and the Chamber of Secrets
by Schmo and Sushi
Summary: COMPLETE! Sequel, FF & THE SORCERER'S STONE. The Funny Farm returns to Hogwarts for 2nd year, but unexpected unrest and danger awaits them! With the heir of Slytherin on the hunt for Muggleborns, it's only a matter of time...no romance yet!
1. Sawdust and the Eighth Golden Rule

**Full Summary:**

Sequel to **_The Funny Farm and the Sorcerer's Stone_**. The Funny Farm must deal with strained friendships and the possibility of no more Hogwarts. Rachel and Seamus are at each other's throats again, but worse than ever—is this the end of their friendship? Is Hogwarts to be no more? Will they sink or swim?

**And now for the story.**

Ever since their first year of Hogwarts ended, Rachel Hekman, Seamus Finnigan, Hannah Schreiter, Ron Weasley, Katelyn Barcanic, Tanya Rogers, Dean Thomas, Sarah Carter, and Hermione Granger kept in touch. But even though everyone wrote to Harry Potter often, none of them ever got a response.

"How lame is that?" Hannah told Rachel one day over the phone. It was boiling hot that day in Illinois, and Rachel swore she could see her skin blister.

"That's _very_ lame," Rachel replied. "Here we all are, trying to be friends with him, and he doesn't even think to reply to our letters. He was so nice at school, though."

"Maybe Hedwig got lost somewhere over the Atlantic," Hannah suggested, even though she knew that wasn't the case.

"As if. She's way better than Romulus, and he _never _gets lost. Do you, sweetie? No, you don't…"

"He's breaking the eighth Golden Rule," Hannah said, ignoring her. "It says, and I quote, 'Thou shalt not be disloyal!'"

"How dare he!" Rachel yelled so loudly that Hannah had to hold the phone at arm's length.

"Thanks for popping my eardrum, Sushi," she said.

"Sorry," Rachel whispered. "But, hey, I just thought of something. How can Harry be breaking the eighth Golden Rule when he's technically not part of the Funny Farm? I thought those rules were just for us members."

"Well, Shelby's not following those rules," Hannah said dryly.

Rachel sniffed haughtily. "Well, she doesn't count. But still! Harry's being disloyal to all of us."

"Even Ron and Hermione," Hannah said.

"How do you know?"

"Hermione told me."

"Ah. Oh, that reminds me—hang on, Schmurf." There was a clatter as she set the phone down. A minute later she came back. "I wondered why Hermione didn't answer my last letter."

"Why?"

"I never mailed it. Anyway, Romulus was glad to get out of the house for a while."

There was a brief silence, in which Hannah fiddled absentmindedly with her wand, finally making sparks fly out the end. "Oops."

"What?"

"Oh, nothing. Purple fireworks just exploded out of my wand."

"I want to do magic!"

Rachel's exclamation startled Hannah so badly that she dropped her wand, sending it clattering to the floor, where it began whistling shrilly. "That's not good." Hannah retrieved her wand and began shushing it, frantically looking around for a pot of water to stick it in. "Come on, shut up!" She waved it around in a panic for a minute before it desisted.

"Which reminds me," Rachel added thoughtfully, "I remember why I called in the first place."

"Yeah? What's that?"

"My parents wanted me to tell you to be ready to go to the airport at ten-thirty next Friday morning."

"We going to Diagon Alley?"

"Of course."

"A whole week," Hannah moaned. "Will I be able to survive the wait?"

"I hear ya, sister, I hear ya. Well, I better let you go…I still need to call Katelyn, Sarah, and Tanya."

"What about Shelby?"

Rachel sighed. "Her parents are still mad at her for going to the airport with Malfoy, so they're taking her themselves."

Hannah clicked her tongue in sympathy. "Poor thing. I hope she has a better year."

"Me too. Well, see you Friday!"

"All right. See ya!"

-----------------------------

"See you in July!"

Rachel, Hannah, Katelyn, Tanya, Sarah, and Shelby waved goodbye to their chaperon, Mr. Hekman, and turned, grinning, toward the scarlet train that was puffing smoke and whistling. They tossed their baggage on and scrambled up.

"Let's get a big compartment again and save spots for the rest of the bunch."

They were making their way down the corridor when a head full of bushy brown hair popped out in front of them. "Hello, everyone!"

"Hey, Hermione!"

Hermione grinned. "We saved places for you all."

"'We'?"

"Ron's little sister Ginny is starting her first year at Hogwarts." Hermione stepped aside so Rachel, Hannah, Tanya, and Katelyn could put their baggage up.

"Well, I should go," Sarah said. "Terry and Luna are saving a spot for me." She waved and left.

"Shelby, you staying?"

Shelby looked around and bit her lip. "I don't think so."

"Why ever not?"

Draco Malfoy came into view and crossed his arms, sneering. "Because she's got a better group of friends—one that is actually worth something."

"Not you," Katelyn groaned.

"Don't make me hex you, Malfoy," Rachel said sternly, as if she were admonishing a two-year-old.

He paled, but only grabbed Shelby's arm and steered her away.

"How awful," Hermione said angrily.

"Tell me about it," Tanya sighed.

"Where are Harry and Ron?" Rachel asked as the Hogwarts Express rolled out of the station.

"Probably sitting with Seamus and Dean and Neville."

Right on cue, the compartment door slid open and Seamus and Dean entered. "It's the Seam Thing," the Irishman announced as he put up his trunk and flopped down in his seat.

Rachel stifled a laugh. "Aye, that's the truth."

"Merlin, no! Not again." Seamus threw an arm over his eyes, and Rachel took the opportunity to wink at the others.

Tanya rolled her eyes. "Seamus, Dean, have you seen Harry and Ron?"

"Nope," Dean said.

"Me, neither," Seamus agreed, but he jumped up anyway and began rummaging around in his luggage. "That reminds me. Did you hear about the row that Mr. Weasley and Mr. Draco had in Flourish and Blotts? It was all over the Daily Prophet. Och, where is it? It's in here somewhere…" As he was digging around, a pair of socks fell out and bounced to Rachel's feet.

She picked them up and stared at them, one eyebrow slightly higher than the other. The black of the socks was nearly hidden by an odd coating of tan…substance. "Seamus, what's this all over your socks?"

He turned and took them from her. "Ah. It's sawdust. Me dad's a carpenter, of sorts." He beat them against his leg and sat down next to her. "'Tis a shame. Couldn't find it."

As he settled down in his seat, Rachel caught a whiff of something musty and woodsy, yet slightly sweet. "Is that what I smell, then? Sawdust?"

Seamus sniffed his sweatshirt. "Aye, I guess it is. All me clothes smell like this."

Hermione elbowed Rachel and jerked her head toward Ginny Weasley, who was looking small and alone in the corner. Rachel, getting the hint, smiled over at her. "Hi. I'm Rachel. You must be Ron's little sister."

Seamus looked around. "Another Weasley? Hi, I'm Seamus. Seamus Finnigan."

So Ginny was introduced to everyone, and the time passed quickly. All too soon, Hannah looked out the window. "It's getting dark."

"We're nearly there, then."

"Well," Dean said, standing and giving Seamus a pointed look, "we'll just be leaving you to change into your robes."

Seamus touched the brim of an imaginary hat and gave a winning smile. "See you at Hogwarts!"


	2. Ew! Snogging!

_A/N: This is a response to a nasty review we got:_

_Dear Ms/Mr/Mrs. Fuujin no Mai,_

_This is Ms. Schmo speaking (okay, writing). I'm sorry you feel that way about our story. I know that I at least tried to make it vary from all the cliche "American girls go to Hogwarts" Mary-Sues. I am 99.999999 that Ms. Schmurf and Ms. Sushi have done this as well._

_Now, to warn you before I go on, I am a very emotional person sometimes and, to quote Ms. Cecily Cardew, when I see a spade, I call it a spade. So, consider yourself warned._

_WHEN, may I ask, did we EVER say that Shelby, Katelyn, Rachel, Hannah, Sarah and Haley were shallow, as you put it?!!! We even mentioned that the girls had glasses and braces. They are your average girls!! And, to quote Ms. Sushi: I checked--and DOUBLE CHECKED--and there is no mention of being shallow. No mention of being hot except Sarah saying that someone is hot in CHAPTER TWO, ONCE. And Sarah (in real life too) is completely boy-obsessed, and appearance is the only thing that matters, so that's just a reference to real life. And, yes, this is a bit of a self-insert. Characters based off of us, reacting to situations like we would have, but that's not the point. We know, and our characters in turn, KNOW THEIR FAULTS! You see that clearly in the story! And, guess what, WE MAKE NO MENTION WHATSOEVER OF CLOTHES!!!!!_

_So, please, before you stereotype this fic, remember that it is just that, fanfiction. And, maybe try to actually see PAST your EFFING PREJUDICE against these types of stories and actually read it._

_Thank you for reading._

_Regards,_

_Ms. Schmo, AKA Katelyn_

_P.S. Anyone else with a review like that, please don't bother. Flames aren't taken kindly here._

_-------------------------------------------------------_

"I _still _haven't seen Harry _or _Ron," Tanya was saying as they took their seats at the Gryffindor table.

"I hope everything is okay," Hannah said worriedly, gingerly running her finger along the golden plate in front of her.

"I'm sure they'll turn up eventually," Rachel reassured her. She tapped her goblet to emphasize her point.

"Aye," Seamus said with a nod. "In body bags."

"You're not helping, Finnigan," Rachel said, a wrinkle forming between her brows. She looked so despondent that Seamus backed down and made no more cracks, but instead traced the embroidery on the tablecloth.

"Seriously, you guys, what if You-Know-Who came back over the summer and killed Harry!" Hannah dropped the knife she'd been holding and it hit the plate with a crash.

"Oy," Dean said suddenly. "There are three reasons why it's highly improbable that that occurred. One: if You-Know-Who was really back, wouldn't it be all over the Daily Prophet and in the Muggle news, too?"

"Two:" Seamus cut in, warming to the topic, "he doesn't even know where Harry lives besides Hogwarts."

"Three:" Dean finished, "Ron's with Harry. Would he kill Harry if Ron were there?"

"No," Seamus said, grinning, "You-Know-Who doesn't consider Ron to be worth the time needed to exterminate him. So you see, Hannah, you've got nothing to worry about."

"Unless—" Tanya began, but Hermione hissed, "Ssh! The Sorting's about to begin!"

So the Sorting took place, and when Ginny's turn came, the Hat put her in Gryffindor with her four brothers.

After the hubbub died down, the tables filled straight away with food of all imaginable sorts: treacle fudge, shepherd's pie, fried chicken, casseroles, etc, etc.

"I'd forgotten how much I missed this," Seamus said through a mouthful of pork chop. "Me mam is a wonderful woman, but even magic can't fix her cooking."

Rachel laughed. "I'd like to meet this 'mam' of yours. If she's anything like you, I bet she's a load of fun!"

Seamus' face warmed at this unbidden compliment. "She and me da' are 'tryin' to get pregnant', it appears. Obviously, me and Francis aren't enough."

"Are they yet?"

"Pregnant? No."

"That's—what?" Hannah had just sighed heavily, and Rachel looked over at her.

"It's Haley," Hannah said glumly. "Look at her and Oliver. She'll be spending so much time with him that she won't have time for us."

"Well, don't around," Dean said dryly.

Of course, everyone did, and saw Oliver reach over and snog Haley over the chicken dumplings.

"Number one," Hannah said unhappily.

Rachel shuddered. "Ew. That's _so _gross."

Dean patted Seamus on the back as he pretended to vomit into his flask of pumpkin juice. "Get used to it, Rachel. We're not kids anymore."

Rachel and Hannah clutched convulsively at their necks. "Didn't need to know that, Dean."

Dean shrugged and took a swig of pumpkin juice and winked. "It all depends on how you look at it."

Tanya shuddered. "I'd rather _not_ look at it at all!"

"Number two," Hermione put in.

Hannah didn't even bother to look as she was sick of Oliver already, and she said so aloud.

"Hey, you never know, Hannah," Katelyn said. "You might just end up like that yourself."

Hannah stuck her tongue out in disgust. "I certainly hope not! Oh, stop laughing, Seamus, it goes the same for you."

Seamus ceased mid-laugh and turned beet red, which made both Rachel and Dean snicker.

Hannah made a face at them, then turned to Oliver and Haley and counted number three. "I don't know about you, but I've just about lost my appetite."

Everyone nodded in agreement. "You'd think they'd have gotten tired of it already," Dean said casually.

"I know I would," Seamus and Rachel said in unison, then, inexplicably, both of them blushed.

Soon enough, the golden plates were cleared, and Dumbledore sent everyone off to bed. When the girls got into the Gryffindor Common Room, they found Harry and Ron surrounded by everyone else, looking rather pleased with themselves.

"Thank goodness you're alive!" Tanya cried, and threw her arms around them both.

"We thought you were dead for sure," Katelyn echoed, nearly popping Ron's head off with her exuberant squeezing.

Harry and Ron exchanged slightly nervous looks, and patted the girls' heads.

When they were released, Harry and Ron straightened their shirts, then turned to Hermione. "Can we talk to you, alone?"

"Sure." Hermione nodded, and everyone else headed up to their respective dormitories.

"I wonder what they're going to talk about," Rachel said, mildly curious. Hannah shrugged, and they all got ready for bed.


	3. Ick, School

The next morning, anyone who hadn't heard about Harry and Ron's escapade with the flying Ford Anglia, heard about it when Ron's mother sent him a Howler.

"—STEALING THE CAR, I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF THEY'D EXPELLED YOU, YOU WAIT UNTIL I GET HOLD OF YOU, I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU STOPPED TO THINK WHAT YOUR FATHER AND I WENT THROUGH WHEN WE SAW IT WAS GONE…"

When it was all over, Hannah reached over to pat Ron's shoulder in sympathy.

"Well, I don't know what you expected, Ron," Hermione began, "but you—"

"Don't tell me I deserved it," he replied waspishly.

"You kind of did," Rachel said apologetically. She speared a kipper on her fork and looked at it in disgust. She hated fish. "I'm not blaming you, though," she amended hastily as Ron's gaze fell upon a sharp knife.

Together they all traipsed down to double Herbology, where squat Professor Sprout waited for them with a handsome, blonde wizard.

"That's Gilderoy Lockhart," Hermione said breathlessly as they entered Greenhouse Three. "He's our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. He's quite famous, you know."

Katelyn shrugged indifferently and took a spot next to Tanya, who stood next to Hannah, who stood next to Dean, who stood next to Seamus, who stood next to Rachel, who stood next to Hermione, who stood next to Ron, who soon stood next to Harry.

"We'll be repotting Mandrakes today," said Professor Sprout. "Who can tell me the properties of the Mandrake?"

Hannah, Rachel, and Tanya raised their hands, but Hermione beat them all and rattled off the answer.

After Prof. Sprout told them the dangers of Mandrakes, they all pulled on their earmuffs. Seamus and Dean began to squabble over who had to take a pair of pink fluffy ones, so Rachel sighed and handed Seamus her own blue ones and took the pink ones for herself.

"The things I do for you," she said soundlessly, rolling her eyes.

He smiled gratefully and turned his attention to the Mandrake that Sprout was pulling out of the pot. It was ugly.

As they split up into groups of four, Rachel managed to snag Seamus, Hannah, and a girl named Susan Bones from Hufflepuff. "Hi, everyone," she said cheerfully as they began to fill their pots with compost.

Nearby, a curly-haired boy began stating everything he knew about everyone in the vicinity. "Justin Finch-Fletchley," he said, seizing Harry by the hand, "Know you, of course, the famous Harry Potter…and you're Hermione Granger—always top in everything—and Ron Weasley. Wasn't that your flying car?"

Seamus grinned at Rachel and Hannah, who smiled back until Justin Finch-Fletchley appeared at their table. "Know you," he said shortly to Susan, then turned to Hannah. "You're Hannah Schreiter. Your sister's dating Oliver Wood." Hannah did not reply. "And you're Seamus Finnigan, the most pure-blooded Irishman in the school, I think." Seamus beamed. "And you're Rachel Hekman. You're trying out for the Gryffindor Quidditch team this year, and you're Seamus' girlfriend."

Rachel stared at him. "I am _not _Seamus' girlfriend!" she said indignantly. "Where'd you get—"

"You're always together," Justin said simply as Harry and Ron began to snicker uncontrollably. "And your name was on the Quidditch sign-up roster. Lavender Brown told Hannah Abbot all the names and Hannah told Susan, whom I overheard."

"That's nice," Hannah Schreiter said, shoving him back towards his group. "Go annoy Harry and Ron again."

Rachel gave her a grateful look as Harry and Ron stopped chortling. "Thanks."

"Nothing shuts guys up like a chattering nitwit around," Hannah said cheerfully.

"Never works for me," Seamus said, and barely ducked a clod of dragon dung thrown at his head.

--------------------------

That afternoon was their first Defense Against the Dark Arts class. For some reason, Harry was sitting in the way back. Hermione took a seat by him and Ron, but hardly took her eyes off Lockhart even when Rachel and Seamus began to argue over the aisle seat.

"Come now," Lockhart said with a winning smile "I know you both want to sit as close to me as possible" —Seamus' and Rachel's jaws went slack—"but there's no need to quibble. Here." He seated them both front and center. "Isn't that better?"

Seamus and Rachel just glowered at each other.

Lockhart pulled a book out of Neville's hands and held it aloft so that even Harry couldn't miss it. "Me: Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League, and five-time winner of _Witch Weekly_'s Most-Charming-Smile Award—but I don't talk about that."

Seamus shifted and muttered darkly, "The hell you don't."

"I didn't get rid of the Bandon Banshee by _smiling _at her!" Lockhart flashed his five-time-award-winning smile, then handed them each a quiz, much to everyone's chagrin.

A half-hour later, he collected their papers. "Tut, tut—hardly any of you remembered that my favorite color is lilac. I say so in _Year with the Yeti_. And a few of you need to read _Wanderings with Werewolves _more carefully—I clearly state in chapter twelve that my ideal birthday gift would be harmony between all magic and non magi peoples—though I wouldn't say no to a large bottle of Ogden's Old Firewhisky!"

On Rachel's right, Seamus and Dean dissolved into silent laughter; Rachel and Hannah had to cover their grins with their hands.

"…but Miss Hermione Granger knew my secret ambition is to rid the world of evil and market my own range of hair-care potions—good girl! In fact…full marks! Where is Miss Hermione Granger?"

Seamus, Rachel, Hannah, Katelyn, Tanya, Harry, Ron, and Dean all turned to stare at her. Hermione was pink! Hannah raised her eyebrows at Rachel.

"Excellent!" Lockhart said, clapping his hands together. "Quite excellent! Take ten points for Gryffindor! And so—to business—" He hoisted a large cage onto his desk. Faint rattling sounds were coming from underneath the curtain draped over the cage.

"Now—be warned! It is my job to arm you against the foulest creatures known to Wizardkind! You may find yourselves facing your worst fears in this room. Know only that no harm can befall you whilst I am here. All I ask is that you remain calm."

Seamus stopped laughing, and his arm twitched as it always did when he was nervous.

"I must ask you not to scream. It might provoke them."

Seamus' arm was twitching in earnest now, and Rachel had to clap her hand over it.

Lockhart whipped the cover off the cage. "Yes. _Freshly caught Cornish pixies."_

Seamus' arm ceased its twitching immediately, and he gave a snort of laughter; Rachel and Hannah both had to clap their hands over their mouths to stifle their laughter.

"Yes?" Lockhart's politely puzzled eyes swept back and forth along the front row. He smiled at Seamus.

"Well, they're not—they're not very—_dangerous_, are they?" Seamus managed. He snuck a glance sideways at Hannah and Rachel and nearly dissolved in laughter again.

"Don't be so sure!" Lockhart said, waggling a finger at Seamus like he was two instead of twelve. "Devilish tricky little blighters they can be!"

Hannah and Rachel traded glances.

"Right, then," Lockhart said. "Let's see what you make of them!" And he released the pixies.

Almost immediately, Seamus was the victim of an upended inkbottle, and Hannah and Rachel dove under the desk to avoid the wastebasket that came hurtling toward them. Seamus and Dean joined them shortly after.

"What a stupid lump!" Seamus said passionately, trying to scrub the ink off his face and out of his hair.

"Here, Seamus, hold still." Together Rachel and Hannah tackled the inky mess with their wands.

Finally, the bell rang and Seamus nearly left his wand under the desk in his hurry to leave.

"That was the _worst _Defense Against the Dark Arts class ever!" Hannah fumed as soon as they were safely down the corridor.

"Actually, that was the worst _class_ ever!" Dean said, viciously jabbing his wand into his bag.

"Lockhart is the stupidest, dimmest, most idiotic _tic tac_ ever!" Rachel screeched, kicking a suit of armor as she passed.

"Tic tac?" Seamus asked, curiosity overcoming his fear.

"It's an American term for a complete nitwit."

Seamus nodded. "Aye."

Rachel and Hannah snickered. "Och, Hannah, lassie, we shouldn't be makin' fun o' the poor leprechaun," Rachel said in a mock Irish accent.

"Aye, Rachel, I shan't continue," Hannah replied in the like. "T'wouldn't be decent manners, and that's the truth."

"The bleedin' truth, lass. T'would be wigs on the green if we wen' on in this manner, sure."

"Aye, wigs. The laddie'd have our hides."

Hannah and Rachel nearly fell over laughing, and Dean had a very hard time disguising the fact that he was crying with mirth.

"Shut up, you all," Seamus said crossly. "I could very well make fun of your Americanisms: That's _so _totally cool! I mean, _wicked!_"

This only made them laugh harder. "You're a riot, Finnigan," Rachel said, leaning against a wall for support.

Seamus only glared.


	4. Quidditch and the Epitome Of All Spats

Everyone was loafing around in the common room that Saturday afternoon when the portrait hole swung open and Rachel clambered in, beaming like she'd been elected Supreme High Ruler of the World.

"Where have _you _been?" Hannah asked.

"You are now looking at the newest Gryffindor Beater!" Rachel replied, sweeping a deep bow.

Everyone goggled at her. "What about Fred and George?"

"McGonagall okayed it! Fred and I will switch off every game! Then next year, hopefully, George and I will switch."

Seamus stared at her. "No. You don't know how to play Quidditch, do you?"

She flashed him a brilliant smile. "There's a lot you don't know about me."

"Ah, no, you can't be serious!"

"I am. If you doubt me, I challenge you to a one-on-one game."

"No thanks."

"Told you."

He gave her a half smile. "I'll believe it when I see it."

"Shush, leprechaun. I can legally use a bat now."

He stuck his tongue out at her.

------------------------------------------

"Rachel. Rachel!"

Rachel opened her eyes blearily to see Tanya's face looming above her. "Whassamatter?"

"Oliver Wood said to remind you about Quidditch practice. Here." Tanya tossed her a bundle of scarlet cloth. "Your new Quidditch robes!"

Rachel unfolded them and caught the dim glint of her name in gold letters embroidered across the back. "Oh, they're beautiful!" She jumped out of bed and pulled them on. "And look! A real Beater's bat! And wristguards..! This is so cool!" She quickly buckled the leather braces over her lower arms and tied her hair up in a ponytail. "You coming to watch, Tanya? Tanya..? Oh, never mind."

Rachel sighed and left, closing the door quietly behind her so as not to wake Tanya, who had fallen asleep across Rachel's bed.

It was freezing out on the grounds. If she had been outside an extra minute, she would have frozen, for sure. However, she doubted her teammates would have noticed her even if she had crawled into the changing rooms spurting blood and screaming and crawled onto Wood's lap and died. All of them looked pale as corpses and just as awake, too.

"Um…Oliver?" she asked tentatively. Said Captain seemed to be asleep with his head in a locker.

He jumped and jerked his head out. "Oh…hello, Rachel, uh…just resting my eyes."

Since she had known him since her first year, Rachel grabbed his shoulders and shook him briskly. "Wake up, Captain, I won't have you sleeping on the job."

Wood blinked and pinched his cheeks. "I agree. I wouldn't want to give you the wrong impression that this team is lazy! By the way, both Fred and George are here for practice because I don't want either of them to get soft. Strength!"

Rachel shook her head and took a seat on the bench beside Katie Bell just as Harry walked in. He stared at her for a minute, then took a seat on her left. "What—" he began, but Oliver, who seemed to have woken up completely, now clapped him on the shoulder.

"There you are, Harry, what kept you? Okay, since we're all here, I want you to meet the newest member of the team. Rachel will be our third Beater; sShe and Fred Weasley will be taking turns this year. Now, I wanted a quick talk with you all before we actually get onto the field, because I spent the summer devising a whole new training program, which I really think will make all the difference."

As Oliver droned on and on about new tactics, Rachel felt herself drifting off into sleep. She tried to imagine flying, but soon her broom grew fuzzy wings and the constant rocking was annoying her, so she got off and began talking to a leprechaun about how bad the broom was. The leprechaun promised her a hug, so she chased after him, but then the broom got mad and whacked her on the shins. She tried to run away, but then the broom poked her in the side, then turned and bashed her hard on the back of her head—

She woke with a start and rubbed the spot where her head had hit the lockers. She wiped the sleep from her eyes and realized the poking was Harry and Katie trying to wake her. She blinked guiltily.

"Now listen here, you lot," Oliver was saying. "We should have won the Quidditch cup last year. We're easily the best team. But unfortunately—owing to circumstances beyond our control—"

Rachel nodded, remembering how poor Harry had been stuck in the hospital wing for the last game of the year. _Shame, that…_

"So this year," Oliver continued, "we train harder than every before. Okay, let's go and put our new theories into practice!" He grabbed his broomstick and left the locker room.

"I'm sorry about him," Katie Bell said when he had left. She pulled a key from her pocket and unlocked the school brooms. "He's a little…"

"Overzealous?" Rachel offered.

Katie handed her a broom. "Exactly. Here. This is a Comet 140. I think you'll like it."

"Thanks." Rachel took a deep breath and walked onto the pitch.

-----------------------------

"How was practice?" Hannah asked as Rachel dragged herself into the common room three hours later.

"Don't ask," Rachel replied with a groan, and curled up in a chair without even bothering to take off her wristguards.

"Well, she did, and I'm asking, too," Katelyn said. Dean and Seamus looked up in interest.

Rachel sighed. "Well, Oliver Wood spent the first hour talking about new tactics. I fell asleep and didn't listen. I had to get used to using a bat with other players about. I had to work on my aim. I used a Comet 140. Oliver says I need a new broom. The Slytherins have a new Seeker. We—"

"Hold on," Dean interrupted. "How do you know?"

"They kicked us off the field so they could practice with their new Seeker, Draco Malfoy. He bought his way onto the team with new brooms: _Nimbus Two Thousand and One_s. Ron and Hermione fought with Malfoy. Ron got hit with one of his own hexes, and now he's b-b-b-belching slugs…all over. And I…I…"

"You what?" Seamus asked eagerly.

"Don't bother," Katelyn said dryly.

"Why not?"

"She's asleep."

Sure enough. Rachel had fallen asleep in her chair, still in her uniform and holding her

bat.

"Oh, well," Dean sighed.

---------------------------------

Over the next few weeks, the Gryffindor Quidditch team trained hard for their upcoming match against Slytherin. Every week Rachel and Harry returned from practice muddy and sopping wet; Rachel's hair never seemed to dry and she spent half her time in the showers. Her eyes grew big and dark-circled (Oliver kept egging them on) and she slept fitfully, wracked with nerves about her first game.

Finally, the big day arrived. Oliver gave them his usual pep talk before the game, but this time Rachel was too nervous to sleep through it.

"Slytherin has better brooms than us," he began, pacing in front of the team. "No point denying it. But we've got better _people _on our brooms." He beamed at them all, and Rachel shifted nervously. "We've trained harder than they have, and we've been flying in all weather—"

"Too true," George muttered to Rachel. "I haven't been properly dry since August."

"—and we're going to make them rue the day they let that little bit of slime, Malfoy, buy his way onto their team.

"It'll be down to you, Harry, to show them that a Seeker has to have something more than a rich father. Get to that Snitch before Malfoy or die trying, Harry, because we've _got _to win today, we've _got _to!"

Rachel patted Harry's arm sympathetically, trying to keep a straight face as George said sagely, "So no, pressure, Harry."

"_What,_" said Oliver, turning to them suddenly, "is the first rule in the Beater's Bible?"

"Oo, oo!" said George, bouncing on the balls of his feet and waving a hand in the air. "I know this! I know this!"

"What is it, George?" Oliver said fiercely.

George closed his eyes, laid a hand over his heart, and recited solemnly, "'Take out the Seeker'."

Oliver looked sternly at his two Beaters, and did nothing but raise an eyebrow.

"It'll be my pleasure, Oliver," Rachel said, but her face was bloodless with nerves.

"Buck up, Rachel," George told her as they came out onto the pitch. "Look—your friends have made us a banner!"

Rachel squinted up at one of the towers, and could barely make out the words "_We Love The Beaters" _written in gold and scarlet letters across a white banner. She smiled and felt some of her courage returning.

"Mount your brooms," Madam Hooch called. "On my whistle. Three…two…one…"

Rachel kicked off hard from the ground, and the whistling of the wind dimmed some of the crowds' noise. She glanced about for the Bludger. In the corner of her eye she saw George streaking after one. _Bludger…Bludger…_ she thought wildly.

_Aha._

With a burst of speed, she caught a Bludger aimed for Katie Bell's knee and sent it hurtling toward Marcus Flint. As she swept past him to get a clear shot at Malfoy with the same Bludger, she made sure he heard her voice: "We-e-e are the _champ_ions, my friend…"

As the teams below were fighting furiously, the heavens were brewing their own storms. With a crash of thunder, the rain began. "Oh, Merlin, this is awful," Rachel cried, shoving her sopping wet hair out of her face. She swiped hastily at the water beading on her glasses, but she had to squint to see just the same.

"Slytherin lead, sixty points to zero!"

Rachel shot across the field toward Oliver; a Bludger was hurtling down at him and if the weather didn't kill her Haley certainly would. She aimed it at the reedy Slytherin sixth year Beater and dove down to avoid it as it came careening back.

"Rachel!" George bellowed. He was battling the same Bludger she had just ducked. "Someone's—tampered—with—this—Bludger—" he grunted.

Together they swung both their bats into the Bludger, sending it speeding off, but all too soon it came swerving back. "We need a time out," Rachel said, panting as the Bludger resumed its attack on poor Harry.

"Oy! Oliver!" George roared with a mighty swing at the Bludger.

Rachel turned, tucked her bat under her arm, cupped her hands around her mouth, and cried, "Oliv—"

With a dull thud, something heavy slammed into her back. For one sickening moment, she hung in thin air, and then all of a sudden she was on the ground. Pain dimmed everything else, but suddenly, a conscious thought sprang from the deep wells of her mind.

_My broom._

She coughed, stood with a major effort, and just managed to grab hold of her broomstick before it was swept away. "Whew."

"Oy, time out!"

Rachel grimaced and joined her teammates, where Oliver was telling off George.

"We were twenty feet above Katie, stopping the other Bludger from murdering Harry, Oliver!" George said angrily.

"Yeah, Wood, what were we supposed to do?" Rachel asked. The pain that shot along her side when she breathed made her suspect a cracked rib or two.

Oliver seemed to notice her for the first time. "Are you okay? I saw you fall off your broom…"

"Yeah, I'm fine, it was only ten or so feet."

He seemed to agree and turned back to the others, but Rachel didn't hear what he had to say next, because someone took her sore arm and turned her around. She bit back a squeak of pain. "Hi, Seamus."

He handed her an elastic hairtie. "From Katelyn."

"_Thank _you."

He seemed to be clenching his jaw, but suddenly said furiously, "What's wrong with you?"

"What?"

"Why weren't you watching? Why weren't you helping the other players? Why only Harry?"

She was hurt and taken aback at his outburst. "He needed it," she said, fighting back tears.

"So did the other players, Rachel."

"I'm trying," she protested, her voice quavering. "It's only my first game."

"Try harder." Seamus looked angrily at her, his hair dripping water into his eyes.

Tears were falling quickly now from Rachel's eyes. "Didn't you see me fall off my broom? In case you didn't notice, it hurt a lot." She turned her head in outrage. "I don't need this right now."

"I don't need you killing yourself because of a stupid Bludger in a stupid game! Be more careful!"

Her head snapped back, and she said, fuming, "Stop. Just stop. In fact, Finnigan, just don't ever speak to me again! The one time I need you, you won't come through for me! Don't ever talk to me again."

"Fine."

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

Seamus glared at her for a minute, then stalked off.

"Good riddance," Rachel cried, then, as soon as he was out of earshot, let out her breath in a gasp of pain.

"Up you get, Rachel," Katie Bell said. "We're resuming play. You sure you're okay?"

"My left side hurts pretty bad, but, yeah, I think I'm fine." Rachel tightened her ponytail and clambered clumsily back onto her broom.

The game was over in a matter of minutes. Harry, left to his own devices, had finally been bested by the Bludger and was now in even worse pain than Rachel; not to mention much worse off with Lockhart about to do who-knows-what to his arm.

"_No!_ I'll keep it like this, thanks."

Rachel hovered close by, horrified at the grotesque angle of her friend's broken arm. "Oh, Merlin, Harry, I'm so sorry!"

"Hey!" George grunted. "Help me with this Bludger!"

Rachel assisted him in getting the Bludger back into its box. "I assume we won, then?"

"Heck, yeah!"

Rachel was assaulted from behind by a various assortment of arms. "Ow! Hey, guys, lay off." She managed to turn around to see her friends.

"You did so great!" Hannah said.

Seamus sidled up. "You did…"

Rachel glared at him, then shook loose from Katelyn's bear hug. "I thought I told you to _leave me alone!"_

"I wanted to—"

"I don't care if you wanted to ask me to accompany you on a safari to find the Lost Stone Of Beedlebum! Frankly, I don't give a _damn _what a beer-guzzling Irishman has to say!"

In the silence that followed, Seamus' face turned noticeably redder. "Oh, _yeah?_" he bellowed. "What if I wanted to say that you were the worst flyer on the face of this _earth?"_

"I'd say 'look who's talking'!"

Rachel's face was now red too, and her eyes were streaming with tears from anger and physical pain. She and Seamus both had their fists clenched and were having an out-and-out row.

"You are by _far _the lamest excuse for a witch! You are lazy and mean and—"

"Oh, yeah? At least I don't have a fake Irish accent!"

"At least _I_ don't live in a country founded by a bunch of old geezers!"

"Potato farmer!"

"Redneck!"

"Whiskey head!"

"Jackass!"

"Well, well, well, what do we have here, Mr. Finnigan, Miss Hekman?"

Seamus and Rachel glared at the unwelcome intrusion of Lockhart. "We're just talking, Professor."

"I think we have a little spat!" Lockhart said jovially. "Don't you think so?"

"Yes, Professor," they mumbled.

"Don't worry," he said merrily. "I have just the solution." Up went the sleeves, out came the wand. "_Ropus Armento!" _Out of his wand flew a fifteen-foot rope, which tied itself first around Seamus' waist, then Rachel's.

"Five days and nights with this will, I think, cure you of your disagreement. On Thursday perhaps you will find that it cures itself!" And with that, Lockhart was gone.

Rachel and Seamus stared in absolute horror at the rope that was tethering them together. "I'm supposed to sleep in this?" Seamus exclaimed.

"I'm supposed to _live_ in this?" Rachel cried. The day's stress had finally gotten to her, and she simply sat down in the mud and sobbed.

"My life is over," Seamus muttered.


	5. The Insane Ones

Half an hour into dinner, Seamus and Rachel came into the Great Hall.

"What took you so long?" Hannah asked.

Seamus growled. "Rachel insisted on taking a shower after the game."

"Well, duh," said Beater exclaimed. "Didn't you see that I was covered in mud?"

"You weren't muddy enough to spend forty-five minutes in the showers," Seamus countered.

"I. Fell. Off. My. Broom," Rachel rejoined. "I have a magically reinforced rope around my waist. My entire left side is a bruise. I am _fettered _to _you_. Why do you _think_ I spent so much time in the showers!"

"Hey!" Dean cut in. "You're ruining my appetite. Go argue elsewhere."

"We argued the whole time I was showering!"

Seamus seized the rope and tugged; Rachel had to grab the table to avoid being pulled sideways. "Seamus!" she gasped, and clutched her side. "That _really _hurt…" Tears were welling up in her eyes again.

Seamus crossed his arms and grumbled.

Meanwhile, Rachel was taking slow, shallow breaths, and her face was bloodless. "That fall was something, wasn't it?"

"You scared us all to death!" Katelyn said, banging on the table. "The way you didn't move afterwards…I thought you had really, seriously injured yourself!"

"I think you did," Hannah said worriedly. "After lunch you should go to the Hospital Wing and talk to Madam Pomfrey."

Rachel stared at her plate. "I'm not very hungry. Come on, Seamus, we're going to the Hospital Wing."

-------------------------------

A couple of hours later, Rachel and Seamus clambered into the common room through the portrait hole.

"So? What's the diagnosis?" Hannah asked.

"Two cracked ribs and some pulled muscles in my shoulder," Rachel replied. "Madam Pomfrey fixed me up, though I'm still a little tender. I—whoa!"

She tripped backwards as Seamus reached the end of the rope. "Come on, Hekman," he said, yanking on the rope.

Rachel rolled her eyes and sighed. "I'll be right back."

Five minutes later, she and Seamus came back and sat in chairs as far away from each other as the rope would allow. "Bathroom," Rachel sighed. "I have a feeling that it's going to take a little while to get used to this."

"By the way," Tanya said. "Did you see Harry while you were up in the hospital?"

"Yes, and he's in a good bit of pain, but he'll survive, and all his bones will grow back. Poor guy."

"Shame."

"Definitely."

"Mm-hmm."

---------------------------

Tanya yawned and stretched like a cat. "Well, I'm going to bed, everyone. Rachel, I really think you need to sleep, too. You've had a rough day."

"Too true," Rachel agreed. She and Hannah stood up. "G'night, Dean. _Seamus._" The Irishman got an extra-special glare.

"You know, Sushi," Hannah said to Rachel as they were climbing the stairs to their dorm, "Seamus just wanted to say he was sorry after the game. He was so scared when you fell off your broom—we all were."

"Harry's fallen off before, so it's not like you've never had a friend do that before. Besides, you didn't hear how he treated me at time-out," Rachel replied stubbornly.

"Consider apologizing," Hannah pleaded. "I hate it when you two fight!"

"I—" Rachel stopped with an odd look on her face.

"What?"

"No. This _cannot _be happening. Not now."

"_What?"_  
Rachel raised stricken eyes to her friend. "I can't go any farther!"

Hannah looked down the stairs that they had just come up. Sure enough, the rope was taut. "Uh-oh."

"_Seamus!"_ Rachel shrieked. She nearly fell down the stairs in her hurry to get to the bottom. Hannah followed close behind, rather interested in this new turn of events.

Rachel and Seamus nearly collided in the common room. "I can't get into my dorm," they exclaimed in unison. "What?" they asked in dismay. Then, "This is all _your _fault!"

Hannah sighed heavily. "I'll go get your stuff, Rachel." She turned to go, then glanced back over her shoulder. "Goodness. Only twelve hours together and you're already acting like one person!" Two equally murderous glances sent her scuttling away up the stairs.

"Dean! Bring my stuff!" Seamus bellowed up the stairs. A minute passed, then a pillow, a blanket, and a _stuffed orange pig _came hurtling down at them. Seamus flushed red with shame and stuffed the toy inside the pillowcase.

Rachel nearly died laughing, and poor Seamus had to suffer until Hannah came back downstairs. "Here's your pillow, the top blanket from your bed, the pajamas that were on your trunk, and…oh, yeah, here's Bunny." On top of the pile she had put in Rachel's arms she placed a ratty stuffed rabbit.

"Thanks, Hannah," Rachel said dryly.

"No problem. Good night!"

-------------------------

It went on like this for the next several days. Fortunately, Seamus and Rachel had all their classes together that week, so neither of their schedules was compromised. However, after four nights of sleeping in armchairs, Hannah, Dean, and Katelyn were considering sending their two friends to a mental institution.

The two said friends were jumpy, nervous, and jittery, and when they were not jumpy, nervous, or jittery, they had intense mood swings between anger, giddiness, and lethargy.

"If I ever see Lockhart again, I will personally kill him!" Katelyn growled, rapping the table with her wand.

"Don't worry, you'll see him tomorrow!" Hannah said cheerfully.

"Anyway," Dean said impatiently, "about Seamus and Rachel?"

"Oh, yeah! Well, didn't Lockhart say something about tomorrow and the problem solving itself?"

"I hope that happens," Katelyn sighed as The Insane Ones came into the common room, laughing hysterically. Hermione, Ron, and Harry came into the room behind them, looking nervously at their two classmates.

"What are you talking about?" Hermione asked. She and Harry and Ron joined Hannah and Katelyn and Dean.

"Them," all three said in unison, pointing toward The Insane Ones, who were now in a state of lethargy.

"Ah," said Ron.

"I'm sorry," said Hermione, "but I think you have a lot more to worry about."

"What do you mean?"

Hermione glanced over her shoulder, then said in a low voice, "Remember History of Magic? What Professor Binns said about 'the horror within' the Chamber of Secrets?"

Now even Rachel and Seamus had snapped out of their space-out time and were listening intently, in one of their rare sane moments. "Yeah," Hannah said, "what about it?"

"Binns said it was a kind of monster, right? Well…the Heir of Slytherin has gotten his second victim."

Hannah and Rachel both stifled gasps. "Who?"

"Colin Creevey."

"Colin who?" Seamus asked blankly.

"The little midget that's always following Harry around," Ron said.

"Oh, yeah."

"Is he all right?" Katelyn asked quickly.

"He's been Petrified."

"First Mrs. Norris, now Colin," Katelyn said sadly.

"I didn't mind Mrs. Norris' Petrification," Seamus started.

"But one of our own Gryffindors?" Rachel finished.

Dean, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Hannah, and Katelyn all stared at the two. Dean, in particular, stared in horror at his friend. "What the _hell_, Seamus! You're finishing each other's sentences!"

Rachel and Seamus blinked, turned to look at each other, and—"Aaugh!"

Both of them screeched and leapt as far as the rope would let them be from each other.

As Rachel threw her robes over her head and Seamus cowered under a pillow, Hannah sighed heavily. "Well, say _adios_ to our sane friends, everybody. You'll never see them again. Good night."


	6. Freedom

As soon as all of the Gryffindors had gone up to bed, The Insane Ones collapsed in laughter. "I can't believe they actually _believe_ that we're unbalanced!" Rachel gasped.

"As if something like _this_ would make me act like _that_," Seamus snorted.

"We are good."

"_Too_ good."

They continued laughing for a minute, then Seamus cleared his throat. "You know what this means, don't you?"

"What?"

"We're actually getting along."

Rachel bit her lip, and she sat down in a chair and stared at the fire. They sat in silence for a while, then Rachel sighed and turned to her friend. "Look, Seamus. I'm sorry for being so horrible to you, I really am. I didn't mean it when I called you a potato farmer and a whiskey head. Oh, yeah, and a beer-guzzling Irishman. And you don't have a fake Irish accent." She said this all in one breath and very fast.

"I'm sorry too," Seamus said. "I was taking out my anger at Crabbe and Goyle on you, and you didn't deserve it."

"I should think not," she replied huffily.

"And you're a decent flier yourself. You're the best witch I know of, even Hermione, because sometimes she takes things too easily. America sounds great. You're not a redneck—or a jackass." He had obviously been planning this speech for some time, and Rachel smiled.

"I'm glad we're getting along again, leprechaun. I hate fighting with you."

"Well said, Hekman."

They grinned at each other, then fluffed their pillows, tucked their respective stuffed animals under their arms, and fell asleep.

----------------------------------------

The next morning, Rachel woke early, shivering in the chill November air. She got up to stoke the fire, then decided to get changed before everyone else started to come down to the common room. She pulled on her robe over her pajamas, picked up the clothes Hannah had brought down for her the night before, and was halfway to the girls' bathroom when she realized something was amiss.

_Where's my shadow?_ she wondered, then she realized that it wasn't her shadow that was missing, it was Seamus!

She blinked and ran back to the fire. Seamus was still asleep in his chair. She backed up twenty slow steps just to be sure, then screamed and pounced on the slumbering Irishman. "Seamus! Seamus, wake up!"

His eyes shot open, and he nearly fell out of his chair. "Watch out for dragons!" he cried sleepily.

"Don't be silly, Seamus, it's me."

He blinked the sleep out of his eyes. "What?"

"We're free! The rope's gone! _We're not tied together anymore!"_

Seamus leapt to his feet with a loud whoop. "Freedom!"

The commotion they made celebrating brought several Gryffindors downstairs, including Haley, Hermione, and Percy. "I say," said Percy haughtily, "do be quiet! It's only 7:30. Listen to me! I'm a prefect…"

Hannah stumbled down the stairs after Hermione. "Oh, look how happy they are," she said sleepily.

Dean rubbed at his eyes. "At least they're not fighting anymore."

"Thank goodness," Hermione sighed.

"How can they be that energetic so early in the morning?" Haley asked aloud as Seamus jumped in the air and let out another whoop.

Rachel stopped her cartwheeling. "How would you like to be tied to, say, Oliver for almost a week?" she asked, panting.

"I'd like it," replied Haley with a blush.

This got several odd looks, and suddenly the sixth year found herself alone in the common room ("Sorry, Haley, I've got to change," Rachel said. "Ditto," Seamus added, and scuttled off to the boys' dorm.)

Haley sighed. "I guess that's what I get for wearing my heart on my sleeve. I am now officially an introvert." She arranged a blank expression on her face and was silent for several minutes. Then—"Never mind. It's impossible." She turned and walked back upstairs, chatting animatedly with Trevor the toad, who just happened to be on the stairs.

---------------------------------------

As the next few weeks went by, excitement for Christmas steadily mounted. Seamus, unfortunately, woke up one morning, greeted Hannah and Rachel at breakfast, and _squeaked._

Rachel and Hannah blinked. "Come again?"

Seamus' ears turned so red that Dean leaned away from the heat. "I said 'good morn_ing.'"_ He squeaked again and clapped a hand over his mouth.

Needless to say, Hannah and Rachel dissolved in laughter. "Aw, ish wittle Seamus' testostewone kicking in?" Rachel asked, blinking sweetly up at him.

He crossed his arms. "Not like it hasn't happened before."

"Oho!" said Rachel in triumph. "So you've squeaked like a mouse in front of _others!"_

Seamus closed his eyes and smiled. "Ssh."

"What are you thinking about?" Dean asked.

"I'm fantasizing about the day when I can put her in a headlock," Seamus replied.

Rachel blinked. "I'll stop now."

"Thank you."

(A/N: If you read this story, please review! We want to make this as good as possible and hone our writing skills. Encouragement and criticism welcome! Please R&R!)


	7. The Disaster That Was the Dueling Club

"A Dueling Club?" Hannah's eyebrows shot up into her hair.

"Aye," Seamus said, leaning into his goulash in his excitement. "Tonight at eight. Me and Dean are going. You?"

"Who's teaching it?" Rachel asked. "Seamus, you've got a little something on your front…"

"We're not sure," said Hermione as Seamus scrubbed at his robes. "Here, Seamus. _Scourgify!"_

Hannah and Rachel snorted and said in unison, "Just as long as it's not Lockhart."

"Even if he were, would you go?"

Rachel shrugged. "Sounds interesting."

"Sounds _dangerous,_" Katelyn said with a manic glint in her eye.

"Sure, we'll go," Hannah said. "Though, I don't reckon it'll do much good if the Slytherin monster can petrify you…"

And so, with this thought in mind, they returned to the Great Hall at eight. All the tables were gone, and in their place a long platform stretched across one wall.

"I'm so excited," Katelyn said, whipping her wand around in the air.

Dean grabbed her arm and forced it back to her side. "You'll put someone's eye out with that thing."

"It's all fun and games until somebody gets hurt," Rachel intoned grimly as none other than Lockhart came out onto the platform.

"Gather round, gather round," he said. None of the Funny Farm moved. "Can everyone see me? Can you all hear me?"

"Yes, unfortunately," Seamus muttered under his breath, making several people around him giggle.

"Excellent! Now, Professor Dumbledore has granted me permission to stat this little dueling club, to train you all in case you ever need to defend yourselves as I myself have done on countless occasions—for full details, see my published works.

"Let me introduce my assistant, Professor Snape. He tells me he knows a tiny little bit about dueling himself, and has sportingly agreed to help me with a short demonstration before we begin. Now, I don't want any of you youngsters to worry—you'll still have your Potions master when I'm through with him, never fear!"

"Wow," Hannah commented, staring at the purely hateful look on Snape's face. "He looks as happy to be here as an evil power-hungry overlord likes to be plopped into a meadowful of buttercups and daisies!"

Lockhart and Snape turned to face each other with a bow. "As you see," Lockhart said, raising his wand like a saber in front of him, "we are holding our wands in the accepted combative position. On the count of three, we will cast our first spells. Neither of us will be aiming to kill—of course.

"One, two, three—"

Hannah blinked and then Lockhart was lying in a bettered heap on the floor. "Holy guacamole, I'm not quite sure who I'm rooting for anymore!"

"_Expelliarmus_," Rachel said thoughtfully. "A Disarming Charm, if I'm correct…oh, look, he's okay. Drat."

"Well, there you have it!" Lockhart said, getting back on the platform. His smile was slightly wobbly. "That was a Disarming Charm, as you see, I've lost my wand—ah, thank you, Miss Brown—yes, excellent idea to show them that, Professor Snape, but if you don't mind me saying so, it was very obvious what you were going to do. If I had wanted to stop you, it would have been only too easy—however, I felt it would be instructive to let them see…"

"I think he _does_ mind," Dean snorted.

Apparently Lockhart had come to the same conclusion, because he said, "Enough demonstrating! I'm going to come amongst you now and put you all into pairs. Professor Snape, if you'd like to help me—"

As it ended up, Hannah was put with a stocky Ravenclaw third year; Katelyn with Susan Bones; and Rachel with a lanky Slytherin prefect. "Why me?" she moaned.

"Face your partners! And bow!"

They did so. Rachel noticed that her partner looked bored and kept sneaking glances at the fifth year girls behind him. Hannah's partner was extremely nervous, and screeched when Hannah waved at her.

"Wands at the ready! When I count to three, cast your charms to disarm your opponents—_only _to disarm them—we don't want any accidents—one! Two! Three!"

Rachel's wand flew out of her hand and hit Seamus on the back of the head; next to her, Hannah looked unwilling to hex such a pitiful creature. Rachel grabbed her wand, and her quick charm caught the prefect in the stomach and made him double up and drop his wand.

"_Stop! Stop!"_

The prefect halted mid-dive and everyone looked up to see the night's casualties. Hannah was apologizing profusely to her petrified partner; Katelyn was rubbing a sore elbow; Dean was recovering from a nasty fall; and Seamus looked like he had the Bubonic Plague.

"Are you okay?" Hannah asked nervously.

Ron was holding their friend up by the front of his robes. "Seamus, look, mate, I'm _really _sorry—my wand—I didn't"

"Here, Seamus, sit down," Rachel said, loosening Ron's grip. "What happened? She dampened a corner of her robes with water from her wand and dabbed the Irishman's ashen face.

"My wand backfired," Ron replied helplessly, holding up a badly Spello-taped stick.

Seamus seemed to recover a little with the water, and Rachel looked nervous. "Finnigan, are you okay?"

He nodded.

"You need to drink something." Hannah summoned a goblet from the teachers' table and filled it with water from her wand.

Seamus took it and drank deeply. "Ah, thanks, you two."

They helped him up just as Lockhart began to speak. "I think I'd better teach you how to _block_ unfriendly spells."

Seamus swayed a little, and Rachel put her arm around his to steady him. "I bet that would've come in handy a minute ago, huh, Seamus?"

He nodded.

"Let's have a volunteer pair—Longbottom and Finch-Fletchley, how about you—"

"A bad idea, Professor Lockhart," interrupted Snape. Katelyn could swear afterwards that she felt evil resonating from Snape's very soul, but no one believed her. "Longbottom causes devastation with the simplest spells. We'll be sending what's left of Finch-Fletchley up to the Hospital Wing in a matchbox. How about Malfoy and Potter?" he added with a malevolent smile.

"Excellent idea!" Lockhart beamed broadly at the very suggestion. "Now, Harry, when Draco points his wad at you, you do _this_." The idiot dropped his wand. "Whoops—" he said, picking it up. "My wand is a little overexcited."

"What an evil, conniving, power-hungry, stupid, idiotic, annoying little _brat_!" Katelyn lurched toward Snape, but Hannah grabbed the back of her robes.

"No."

"But—"

"No."

"Three—two—one—go!"

"Serpensortia!"

Parvati Patil shrieked as a long black snake shot out of the end of Malfoy's wand. It hissed and slithered toward Harry. "Don't move, Potter," Snape said with a twisted smile. "I'll take care of it…"

"Allow me!" Lockhart shouted, and the snake flew ten feet above the stage with a bang like a gun; incensed, it made right for Justin Finch-Fletchley.

All of a sudden, Harry lurched forward, opened his mouth, and out came and unearthly hissing sound. Rachel squeezed Seamus' arm, but he was so transfixed by Harry's fit that he didn't notice; Hannah went and cowered behind Dean; and Katelyn and Tanya just stared.

Inexplicably, the snake _stopped_ and turned to look at Harry, who now looked amazed but pleased. He grinned at Justin.

"What do you think you're playing at?" the Hufflepuff shouted. His voice seemed oddly loud in the silent room. He stared at Harry a minute more, then stormed off.

"Holy crap," Katelyn said in a low voice as the volume in the Great Hall returned to normal. For once, she looked scared.

"What was that all about?" Dean asked. He and Hannah still clung together in fear.

"He _spoke_ to that snake," Seamus said in awe. "How'd he do that?"

Everyone turned to look at Hannah, who blushed. "I don't know."

"A Parselmouth, remember?" It was Rachel who spoke. "Quirrell mentioned it several times in Defense Against the Dark Arts. Harry's a Parselmouth."

"Do you think, then, that _he_ could be doing all the attacks?" Dean whispered.

"Ow!"

Everyone jumped. "What?"

Seamus began to pry Rachel's fingers out of his arm. "That _hurt_. I ignored it during Potter's hissy fit, but there's only so much I can take."

"Sorry," she squeaked. "It's just that we've known Harry for almost two years now. What would make him do something like this?"

"You mean you actually think it's him?" Hannah asked, eyes wide.

"I don't _know_ what to think anymore!" Rachel sat down in the middle of the Entrance Hall. "I mean, it just doesn't seem _likely_ that _he_ would be Slytherin's heir. On the other hand, evidence is beginning to mount against him…"

Seamus helped her up. "Come on, Hekman; we'll discuss this tomorrow after class. Now, you need to go to bed. We all do."

"Tomorrow, then?"

"Tomorrow."


	8. Another Attack

As it turned out, the Gryffindor second years had no class the next day, as Professor Sprout wanted to spend their Herbology time keeping the Mandrakes warm.

"Look on the bright side," Ron said cheerfully, "it's one less class we get graded on! Knight to C-7."

Rachel, who was curled up in an armchair with a book, grinned wickedly. "Always look on the bright side of life! Da da, da—"

Seamus, who happened to be nearby, clapped a hand over her mouth. "No more of that song, _please_."

She prized his fingers off her face. "Why?" Her lower lip began to quiver, and she said haltingly, "Do you hate my singing? _Do you_? If you do, just _tell_ me, Seamus, just tell me!" She proceeded to burst into tears.

Seamus was so bewildered that he, for once, had nothing to say on the matter; Hannah decided to jump to his aid. "Look, Rachel, Gobstones! Want to play?"

"Ick, no," Rachel replied with a face. "I'd rather read, thank you. I have a new book: _Dragons of Europe and North America_. It's _quite_ fascinating, actually."

Hermione abandoned her game of wizard chess to look over in interest. "Really? Wow! I have one like that; only, it discusses magical _Greek_ monsters. I rather like the point F. Bandiwig makes about their contribution to Muggle history and—"

"Oy," Ron interrupted. "Hermione—wizard chess? Remember?"

Over by the fire, Harry was moving restlessly: first, right leg crossed over the left leg. Then vice versa. Arms crossed. Uncrossed. Slouching. Sitting up straight. Left leg over the right leg. Right leg over—

"For heaven's sake, Harry," said Hermione in annoyance, "go and _find_ Justin if it's so important to you."

Without a word, Harry got up and left the common room. As soon as he was gone, Hannah, Dean, Katelyn, Tanya, Rachel, and Seamus all dropped whatever they were doing and took seats at one of the tables.

"So what do you think," Dean whispered.

"Here's what _I_ think," Rachel said, slapping a sheet of parchment onto the table. "This is a list of why we think Harry could be Slytherin's heir. _This_ is a list of why we think Harry couldn't _possibly_ be Slytherin's heir. Shall I read?"

Hannah looked at the list in interest as everyone nodded. "Fire away, Sushi."

Rachel took out a quill and tickled her chin absentmindedly as she read. "_Reasons Why He's Slytherin's Heir_. _One_: Colin Creevey was attacked. Harry can't stand him. _Two_: who knows? His dad was Pureblood, wasn't he? Who's to say he _isn't_ one of Slytherin's descendants? _Three_: He's a Parselmouth.

"_Reasons Why He's_ Not _Slytherin's Heir. One:_ He's Harry. _Two_: He's a Gryffindor, not a Slytherin. _Three_: He hates Slytherins. _Four_: He seems pretty shaken up about last night. _Five_: He's the Boy Who Lived. Honestly."

She looked up. "Well, _I_ think…_I _think he's _not_ guilty."

Hannah nodded. "I second that."

Katelyn and Tanya raised their hands. "Innocent."

Dean crossed his arms. "Well, I sure _hope_ he's notguilty. I share a room with him!"

"Aye," Seamus said simply, and Rachel beamed.

"And the verdict is?"

"Not guilty," they all chorused. Rachel took her quill and wrote in big letters across her lists: **_NOT GUILTY_**.

"Great," Rachel said. "Now that's done, I'm going to ask Ron to teach me wizard chess.

As it turned out, Rachel was hopelessly inept at any kind of chess, especially wizard chess. So she went back to her book, occasionally reading aloud bits she sound interesting. As a matter of fact, it _was_ rather engaging, and everyone listened intently, even Ron and Hannah who were warring furiously over the chessboard.

"Oh, listen to this. 'The Liondragon, or Chinese Fireball, and the Common Welsh Green breeds of dragons are found most commonly in ancient Oriental and European Muggle art. As early as 1008 BC, the Liondragon (much stylized to the liking of the particular artist, of course) can be found etched into pottery and stone in eastern parts of Asia. These drawings have been thoroughly researched, and, as far as we can tell, the Liondragon has changed little over the centuries.

"'The Welsh Green, however, is a different story. The dragon on the Welsh national flag is, of course, part of their history, but also a very early ancestor of today's Welsh dragons. The same powerful appendages and thin tail are evident; however, today's Welsh Greens show evidence of Antipodean Opaleye (a species from New Zealand) blood. This suggests that, perhaps, once dragonkind populated the entire world and lived together as one massive race.' How perfectly fascinating!"

Hermione had fetched her book on Greek monsters by the same author, and now cracked it open. "He makes the same comment about the Hippocampus in here…ah: 'The Hippocampus, being half-horse and—"

She broke off as Dean shushed her. "What—do you hear something?"

The common room fell silent as everyone strained to hear. Nothing. Then, wafting up to them like music on a breeze, they heard a faint: "Attack! Attack!"

There was a mad rush to leave the common room. As the portrait hole swung open, the cry hit them like a hammer: "NO MORTAL OR GHOST IS SAFE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! ATTAAACK!"

A shocking scene met their eyes as they rounded the corner: Harry was standing stock still by the Petrified bodies of none other that Nearly Headless Nick and Justin Finch-Fletchley.

Afterwards, Hannah was rather surprised that it was so loud. She herself couldn't bring herself to move, much less talk.

Professor McGonagall fired off a shot like a gun and ordered everyone back to their classrooms; Peeves zoomed overhead, singing an awful song ("Potter, you rotter, oh what have you done? You're killing off students, you think it's good fun.")

"_Caught in the act!"_ someone yelled dramatically. It was Ernie Macmillan, a boy from their own Herbology class.

"That will do, Macmillan," snapped Professor McGonagall as Professors Flitwick and Sinistra carried Justin to the Hospital Wing. Ernie wafted Nearly Headless Nick along with a fan, and McGonagall steered Harry away.

Dean turned slowly to face his friends. "He did it…Harry Potter's the heir of Slytherin!"


	9. Christmas & Valentines In One Chapter

"Why the long face, Hekman?" Seamus asked.

Rachel sighed and stroked the tawny feathers of her owl, Romulus. "I got a letter from my parents."

"So?"

"They wand me home for Christmas break. I don't wand to go!" Romulus hooted reproachfully at her sharp tone and flew to settle on Seamus' shoulder. "Now I'm going to have to talk to Professor McGonagall to see if she can set up a Floo network."

"Aren't you glad to be going home? I mean, with all the Chamber of Secrets stuff."

"Well, yeah, I guess."

At this moment, Dean, Katelyn, Hannah, and Tanya came into the common room. "Schmo, Schmurf, Sharkbait, your parents have letters for you. They came with mine."

They read their letters, and Hannah was the first to speak. "I'm going home for Christmas. It seems that they got a letter from McGonagall suggesting we 'holiday home.' Floo is already set up."

"My parents want to check on me, because of the broken ribs incident…" Rachel sighed.

"We're going home, too," Katelyn and Tanya said.

"I suppose I should tell you I'm going, too," Seamus said sheepishly.

"Me six," Dean said, shrugging.

"What a holly, jolly Christmas it'll be then, hmm?"

"Ho, ho, ho."

"Ditto."

-------------------------

Despite their grim predictions, everybody had a surprisingly good Christmas with their families, and they came back to school with renewed faith in Harry. Even Dean took back what he had said earlier.

However, after Lavender Brown told them that Hermione had been Petrified, their moods changed dramatically.

"She's been _what_?" Rachel gasped.

"Petrified. She was in the Hospital Wing when we came back from holiday/"

"Well, we have to go see her!" Hannah said. "We're her friends!"

"See who?" Ron asked.

"Hermione. I thought you knew—she's been Petrified!"

Harry shook his head. "She hasn't been."

"Then why is she in the hospital?"

He hesitated. "Er…spell gone wrong. She doesn't want any visitors."

Rachel and Hannah's faces fell. "Well, if we can't see her, at least we can let her know that we're thinking of her." Rachel produced a piece of parchment and a quill and scribbled for a minute. Hannah signed her name, too, and handed it to Ron. "Could you give this to Hermione for us?"

"Um, sure." He pocketed it. "We're going to bring her homework up, anyway."

"Tell her we said 'hi'!" Hannah called brightly after them.

----------------------

On the morning of February the fourteenth, Rachel woke up feeling no different than usual. She dressed, brushed her hair, and waited for Hannah to do the same. They went down to breakfast, yawning, and discussing the day's upcoming events.

"…and so I told Dean I'd help him later," Hannah said as they entered the Great Hall.

Rachel froze in the middle of a yawn. "I don't normally say this, but _holy crud_."

Hannah reached out a hand and caught some of the pink confetti that was falling from the ceiling. On closer inspection it turned out to be heart-shaped. "Well, I can tell you who Saint Valentine is today."

"Who?"

"Lockhart." Said teacher was dressed in very girly pink robes.

"He went all out," Rachel said as they sat down. Delicate pink flowers rested by each plate, and she picked hers up and tucked it behind her ear.

"Morning," someone said sleepily. It was Katelyn. "Perfectly disgusting, isn't it?"

Hannah shrugged. "It's a little over the top. Hey…I wonder where that confetti is coming from."

Rachel looked up, then blinked as several paper hearts landed in her eyes. "Oh, ow, ow," she said, taking off her glasses and brushing the confetti out of her eyes. She was still rubbing her eyes when Dean and Seamus came over and sat down.

"Morning, Hekman," Seamus said when Rachel did not notice him.

She finished rubbing her eyes and smiled at him across the table. "Good morning."

He blinked, and his ears turned pink. ''Er…I guess it's Valentines' Day," he said to her.

She adjusted the flower more securely in her hair. "Yep." She was just reaching for her goblet of pumpkin juice when she noticed an odd look on his face, and she tilted her head to one side. "Are you okay?"

He nodded. "Aye."

She smiled again and reached for her glasses as Lockhart waved for silence. "Great…"

"Happy Valentines' Day!" he shouted. "And may I thank the forty-six people who have so far sent me cards! Yes, I have taken the liberty of arranging this little surprise for you all—and it doesn't end here!"

In marched a dozen dwarves wearing lopsided wings and carrying cheap-looking harps. "My friendly, card-carrying cupids!" Lockhart announced, looking incredibly pleased with himself. "They will be roving around the school today delivering your valentines! And the fun doesn't stop there! I'm sure my colleagues will want to enter into the spirit of the occasion! Why not ask Professor Snape to show you how to whip up a Love Potion? And while you're at it, Professor Flitwick knows more about Entrancing Enchantments than any wizard I've ever met, the sly old dog!"

Hannah rolled her eyes as the left the Great Hall. "He's gone completely mental, hasn't he?"

"More so than before," Rachel corrected.

"And I thought he'd gone off his rocker with that rope crap!" Katelyn snorted.

Rachel looked around. "Speaking of…where's Seamus?"

"And Dean?" Hannah added. "Oh, well…"

It turned out that the dwarves were not only ugly, but also downright rude. They would blurt out your valentine in front of everybody in the corridors, the bathrooms, even the classrooms.

In Transfiguration, the last class of the day, several especially burly dwarves burst in upon them and stated loudly that they had valentines for Hannah Schreiter, Rachel Hekman, and Parvati Patil.

"Quickly, then," McGonagall said curtly.

The first dwarf went and stood by Hannah, who blushed deep red.

_"Pansies are purple, poppies are red,_

_We're made for each other, like needle for thread._

_Daisies are pretty, lilacs simply divine,_

_Oh, Hannah, my Hannah, oh won't you be mine?"_

Hannah smiled weakly as the dwarf bowed and left. Parvati Patil was next:

_"Toads are dark brown, like your beautiful eyes._

_Your hair gives Godiva a run for her money._

_Your smile is like sun on a rainy, sad day,_

_Parvati, Parvati, please be my honey."_

She looked vaguely amused by the weak rhyme, and then it was Rachel's turn. The last dwarf went and stood by her side, like his fellows had done for the others, struck a chord on his harp, and recited:

_"Roses are red, violets are blue,_

_This valentine's a stereotype—I know that it's true._

_Bluebells are purple, carnations are bright_

_Like the bud in your hair, you're more than just right._

_You're not sure who I am, but, boy, I know who you are._

_So smile, valentine, and be my bright star."_

Rachel buried her head in her arms in embarrassment until class finally resumed. Hannah scribbled on a scrap of parchment and tucked under Rachel's arm; she sat up and read it:

_Who do you think it was? (Yours and mine)_

—_Schmurf_

She replied:

_No idea. Look around. Are any boys blushing? That's probably them._

—_Sushi_

_PS: I'm absolutely dying of curiosity, too!_

Unfortunately, by the time Hannah got around to looking, class had been going on for five minutes and the valentines' senders' guilty expressions were long gone.

"I want to find out who sent the valentines!" Hannah complained as soon as class was out.

Rachel sighed. "The world may never know…"


	10. Hermione

"It's too bad that neither you nor Katelyn got valentines," Hannah told Tanya as they worked on their homework in the common room.

"Actually, I'm relieved that I didn't get one," Tanya said without looking up from her Transfiguration textbook.

"Yeah," Katelyn agreed. "I mean, who'd honestly like to have those…_things_ recite your valentine in front of the whole class?"

Rachel pretended to cough. "Hem, hem, Sarah, hem, hem."

"Good point," Hannah agreed.

At that moment, Harry and Ron came through the portrait hole. Neville ran to meet them, whispered hurried words to them, and all three dashed up to the boys' dorm.

"Well, that was weird," Tanya said matter-of-factly.

"Ditto," Rachel replied with a raised eyebrow.

A few minutes later, Dean, Seamus, Harry, Ron, and Neville came back down to the common room and flopped unhappily onto chairs.

"What happened?" Hannah asked worriedly.

"It's our dormitory!" Ron said in disbelief. "It's been ransacked!"

The four girls stared at them incredulously.

"How did it happen?" Rachel asked.

"It looks like someone was looking for something, and they got it," Harry explained, fiddling with his wand.

"What? They got what?"

"Just an old book of mine," Harry answered quickly, glancing at Ron. "It's really nothing valuable."

"But who would want it?" Katelyn wondered aloud.

"Someone completely mental," Ron answered, "…probably Percy."

They all laughed, and, feeling the tension lift, went back to their own business. After a little while, Harry looked at his watch and said that he should go to Quidditch practice—after all, their big game against Hufflepuff was the next day.

"Oh," Rachel exclaimed, leaping up. "I need to go too."

"But you're not playing."

She shrugged. "To quote our beloved captain: 'I don't want either of them getting soft. Strength!'"

Harry nodded, understanding completely. "Ah."

So the two left, leaving everyone else to their own devices.

---------------------------------

The next day was the Quidditch match that would determine who would get the Quidditch Cup: Hufflepuff verses Gryffindor. But when Katelyn, Hannah, Rachel, and Tanya made their way down to the pitch, they were met by Professor McGonagall, who barred their way and said the match had been cancelled.

"What?" the girls cried in unison. "Why?"

McGonagall's eyes began to water. "There has been another attack, I'm afraid. Hogwarts is no longer safe."

"Who?" Rachel asked. The blood drained from her face, leaving it deathly pale.

McGonagall put a steadying hand on her student's shoulder. "My dears…Her…Hermione Granger."

Katelyn's head spun. "Hermione…?" she echoed faintly.

"Do Harry and Ron know?" Tanya asked, her voice trembling audibly.

Professor McGonagall nodded, her face oddly flushed. "They're on their way to the Hospital Wing already."

They stood in silence for a minute, Rachel whispering a quiet prayer. Then McGonagall wiped her eyes and said in a more business-like tone, "If you will follow me to Gryffindor Tower, I have an announcement to make."

They turned and made their way back to the castle.

------------------------------

As soon as Professor McGonagall left, the common room exploded in hubbub; everyone immediately began discussing this newest turn of events. Everyone, of course, except the Funny Farm.

"Hermione. It was Hermione," Katelyn was saying. "Hermione."

"We know, Katelyn," Seamus and Dean said in unison.

There was a quiet sniffle, and the Funny Farm looked over to see Rachel curled up on the sofa buy the fire, crying quietly into a Kleenex. "What's the matter, Rachel?" Tanya said concernedly, going over to her.

Rachel wiped her eyes with her tissue. "Hermione was Petrified. She's a Muggle-born. The entire school knows we're Muggle-born, too! Besides," she added with another sniffle, "she's my friend!" She dissolved in quiet tears again.

Seamus joined her on the sofa and put a soothing arm around her shoulder. "Hey…it'll be okay, Rachel…"

The fact that Seamus hadn't used her surname barely registered with Rachel; instead, she procured another tissue and blew her nose. "You're half-and-half—Dean's Muggle-born, too! You could die any day now, and I'd never see you again!" This time, the dams broke and Rachel began to sob in earnest.

Hannah blinked back her own tears. "H-Hermione's not…d-dead, Rachel…" Her voice quavered, and Dean patted her back soothingly.

"But you could be dead tomorrow!" Rachel whimpered and blew her nose again.

Seamus squeezed her shoulders. "Don't worry. None of us will die."

Rachel swiped at the tears still running down her cheeks, put her forehead on Seamus' shoulder and began to cry.

Seamus looked rather confused as to what to do for a moment, but then he rubbed her back as comfortingly as he could manage. "Er…don't worry…it'll be okay…"

She got her emotions under control after a moment, then sat back and wiped her eyes dry. "Sorry, Seam," she said sheepishly. "Did I scare you?"

"Er…not really."

At this, Katelyn's face broke into a wide grin. "Hannah—Rachel! I think I know who your secret admirers are!"

"Who?" they asked in unison.

Katelyn winked. "I'll tell you when the time's right." She ducked a flying a Beater's bat and disappeared into the girls' dormitory.


	11. So Long, Hogwarts

The few weeks brought the promise of summer to the Hogwarts grounds. The Whomping Willow burst into bloom, and the Giant Squid began stirring in the lake.

Meanwhile, the Funny Farm and their unofficial male counterparts (Seamus and Dean) were lounging on the shore next to the Black Lake after class.

"McGonagall was fierce today," Dean was saying as he flopped down on the grass.

"How so with you?" asked Rachel and Hannah, who had been in Charms.

"I needed to go to the bathroom, right?" he said, shrugging off his robes. "Well, she made Seamus go with me."

"Obviously, I wasn't keen to go," Seamus put in. "But McGonagall made me."

"When I protested, saying that I didn't need Seamus' help, she told me to get going and hurry up—both of us."

Seamus pursed his lips. "'Listen here, Mr. Thomas, Mr. Finnigan, I won't have you walking the corridors alone—Mr. Finnigan, I suggest you help Mr. Thomas use the loo and make it snappy!'"

Hannah, Katelyn, Tanya, and Rachel collapsed in laughter, and even Dean had to grin at Seamus' imitation of Professor McGonagall.

"I give up!" Rachel gasped. She whispered to the other girls, who nodded emphatically. They got to their feet and stood in a more-or-less straight line. "Rise, mortals," Katelyn said solemnly.

Dean and Seamus did so, completely baffled.

"Do you know why you are here?" Rachel asked, shrugging off her robes and laying them on the grass by her side. "No? Well. You are here to be welcomed into the fellowship that is…_The Funny Farm_. Stop laughing, Finnigan."

Hannah stepped forward. She, too, had removed her hot, stuffy robes and was now rolling up the sleeves of her white shirt. "If you pass the tests, you will be initiated into The Funny Farm. _Dean_! What…is your middle name?"

"Carter," he said nervously.

She stepped forward, removed her tie, and looped it around his neck, then stepped back.

"Seamus!" Rachel said sharply. "What…is your birthday?"

"September third, 1991," he replied evenly, though he stared at the tie in Rachel's hands like he was afraid she was going to strangle him with it.

She also looped it around his neck and stepped back.

"Dean!" Tanya said. "What is _your_ birthday?"

"November first, 1991." Another tie was added to his collection.

"Seamus!" Katelyn asked. "What…is _your_ middle name?"

"Ah, no," Seamus said. "You can't expect me to answer that."

"We do."

He blushed bright red and mumbled something incoherent.

"Huh?"

He started to say something, but covered his mouth to finish.

"Didn't catch that…"

"Br…" He slurred the rest of the sentence.

"What?"

"_Braeden!_" Seamus shouted, and then clapped a hand over his mouth.

"Seamus Braeden Finnigan," Rachel said slowly. "I like it."

Katelyn looped the last tie around Seamus' neck. "One last thing, everybody…group hug!"

The Funny Farm now consisted of Haley, Tanya, Hannah, Katelyn, Rachel, Shelby, Sarah—and their first ever male members: Seamus and Dean.

--------------------------------------

Katelyn sat in the common room, scribbling in a scarlet faux fur notebook. It was hideous, but, then again, that was why they used it—so no one else would even consider touching it.

"What're ya writin'?" Seamus asked, his Irish accent so suddenly thick that Katelyn looked up with a raised eyebrow.

"An account of the day's events," she replied and held up the notebook. Emblazoned on the cover were the words _'The Funny Farm Archives_.' "You'll be able to write in it once you're a full-fledged Funny Farm member. And…why do you sound like you just left a back-alley Irish pub?"

Seamus ignored this. "Full-fledged member?"

Katelyn gave him a wicked grin that made Seamus worry. "We've still got the second half of your and Dean's initiation…you've got to wear pink miniskirts and makeup for an entire Saturday."

Seamus paled. "Pink…?"

Katelyn shrugged. "You heard me."

The Irishman all but sprinted up to the boys' dormitory. "Deee-aann! _What the bloody hell did we get ourselves into_?"

And Katelyn laughed until tears streamed down her cheeks.

A minute later, Rachel, Hannah, and Tanya came barging into the common room and flung themselves unceremoniously onto armchairs. Puzzled by their disgruntled looks, Katelyn asked, "What's wrong?"

"What's wrong?" Hannah repeated waspishly. "I'll tell you what's wrong—it's Haley, _that's _what's wrong."

Katelyn, baffled, said, "Haley? What's wrong with Haley?"

"You'll see soon enough," Rachel replied testily. "She's really crossed the line now."

"She's going to come through the portrait hole any minute now," Tanya put in.

Sure enough, Haley came into the common room with Oliver, but there was one, tiny, hardly-worth-mentioning little problem.

Haley and Oliver were bound together with the same type of rope that bound Rachel and Seamus earlier in the year.

"What the _heck_!" Katelyn yelped.

Oliver and Haley beamed.

"Did you two fight?" she almost whispered.

"Nope," Haley answered proudly. "Remember when Rachel asked how I'd like it if I were stuck with Oliver for a week? Well, we thought we'd try it!"

"And it's been cool so far," Oliver added.

"But Oliver," Rachel wailed, "what about Quidditch practice? And games!"

Oliver waved a would-be airy hand in the air. "Eh. We don't have any games coming up, so…"

Rachel stared at Haley, eyes wide. "_What have you done to him?"_

Haley shrugged. "Well, we've got to go. Exams coming up!" With that, they exited the common room.

"Wow!" Katelyn whispered.

"I know!" Rachel exclaimed. "I always thought Haley was smarter than that."

Hannah snorted. "Well, she's not."

"That's just too bad," Tanya remarked. "We all thought we knew her, and then _viola!_ She's a totally different person."

It was so strange hearing someone with a thick Russian accent speak French that the girls were silent for a moment. Then—

"Hey," Rachel said thoughtfully. "I just realized that I haven't seen Harry or Ron at all tonight!"

"Yeah, me neither," Hannah agreed. "Have any of you seen Ginny, come to think of it?"

The girls shook their heads. "Well," Tanya said, "Ron and Ginny are siblings, and Harry's pretty close to the Weasley family, isn't he? Maybe there was a family emergency…"

"No, Percy's here."

"And Fred and George," Katelyn chimed in, then clapped a hand over her mouth and blushed.

"We all know you fancy them, Katelyn," Hannah and Rachel said in unison.

Katelyn turned beet red.

"What now?" Tanya asked after a brief silence.

"Well," Hannah said slowly, "we could always play _Lord of the Rings_…"

"I claim Gandalf since I've got magical powers," Rachel said suddenly.

Everyone stared at her. "Um…Sushi?" Katelyn asked hesitantly. "We've _all_ got magical powers."

Rachel blinked.

"How do we play _Lord of the Rings_ in the common room?" Tanya asked. "It's raining outside…"

"With the board game!" Hannah yelped, and dashed up to the girls' dorm. She was back in a minute with a big brown box.

"Yay!" the girls exclaimed and pounced on the box. They played until the common room got crowded, and when it did, they moved up to their dormitory.

-------------------------------------

The girls had been playing _Lord of the Rings_ for nearly half an hour when Professor McGonagall's magically magnified voice echoed through the dormitory.

"_All students are to return to their House dormitories at once. All teachers return to the staff room. Immediately, please."_

"What's going on?" Hannah asked nervously.

Katelyn leapt to her feet. "Come one. Let's go find out."

The girls raced downstairs to a crowded common room. They singled out Dean and Seamus (easy because Dean was the only dark skin in a sea of white, and Seamus' sandy brown hair stood out a mile away). "What happened?" Rachel asked immediately.

The Irishman shrugged. "I don't know."

"D'you think it was another attack?" Tanya asked, clutching her wand tightly.

Unconsciously, Rachel reached out and slipped an arm under Seamus' for reassurance. "I'm glad you all are okay, though."

Seamus' ears turned red. "Ditto."

The crowd in the common room quieted down, but by no means did it thin. Harry and Ron only added to the claustrophobic atmosphere, and finally, the Funny Farm managed to get Harry alone. Ron was looking rather sick, so they thought it best to leave him be.

"What's going on?" Katelyn demanded of Harry. "You know something."

Harry looked so downcast that Katelyn bit her lip. "I…I…Ginny Weasley has been taken into the Chamber of Secrets."

Rachel covered her mouth with her hand and sank slowly to the floor.

"…and…McGonagall said that…" Harry swallowed hard, "that this is the…_end of Hogwarts._ We're taking the Hogwarts Express back home tomorrow." He bit his lip and went back to his seat.

Someone began to cry, and Seamus went to comfort Rachel, who had wrapped her arms around her knees and buried her head in the safety of her robes. "Sushi—"

"Get off!" she shrieked as he touched her shoulder. She shoved him away and fled to the dorms with a sob. Seamus was about to follow her, but Katelyn grabbed the hood of his robes.

"Er…remember what happened last time you tried to get into the girls' dorms?"

He wrenched free of her grasp and stomped up the stairs to the boys' dorm.

"So long, Hogwarts," Tanya said softly.


	12. The End of An Era

The first thing that Rachel registered when she woke up was that Katelyn was shaking her. The second thing was a sound like a dull roar.

"Come on, come on!" Katelyn shrieked, pulling both Rachel and Hannah down the stairs, out the portrait hole, and down the corridor.

"Where are we going?" Rachel gasped, feeling rather foolish in her grey plaid flannel shorts and red "The Beatles Rock" t-shirt.

"To the Great Hall," Katelyn answered matter-of-factly. "Harry's done it! The Chamber of Secrets has been shut for good!"

Hannah stopped outside the huge double doors. "We can't go in there—we're in our pajamas!"

Katelyn's face broke into a grin as she swung the doors open. "That's the thing, Hannah—everyone is!"

"Well, at least I know where the noise was coming from," Rachel commented, surveying the crowd with a grin. Then she spotted Seamus. "Er…I've got an apology to make. Excuse me…" She ran up to the Irishman and threw her arms around his neck.

Best of all, however, was Hermione catching them all in a great big group hug. "Oh, you all, I'm so glad to be back—Harry's told me everything!"

Rachel dried her tears on a corner of her t-shirt. "I am _so_, _infinitely_, _wonderfully_ happy right now…"

"Then why are you crying?" Tanya asked.

"Because I'm _so_, _infinitely_, _wonderfully_ happy."

Katelyn opened her mouth to speak, but Professor McGonagall stood up and called for attention. "In light of Harry Potter's and Ronald Weasley's outstanding courage in the face of mortal peril, I award Gryffindor House 400 points! And the House Cup goes to Gryffindor!"

The roar of exultation from the three Houses would've broken the windows in any other ordinary building.

But, of course, Hogwarts isn't ordinary.

After a brief word with Dumbledore, McGonagall waved for silence again. "And year-end exams have been cancelled as a school treat!"

Seamus closed his eyes. "Hell, I think I've died and gone to heaven!"

And so the Funny Farm's second year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was ended.

THE END


End file.
